Current mood:	ohgodwhyamistillup
Current music:	Robot Chicken on TV
Entry tags:	retarded

"i don't know what guy wrote this, but he's an asshole"
ok so i saw this fucking chain-bulletin thing going around on myspace, along with 5000 other chain-bulletins. most are stupid anyhow, but for some reason i just can't restrain myself from tearing this one apart
it was posted as a "here is a bunch of sure-fire tips for boyfriends to make their girlfriends love them forever" sort of thing.


here's the post in its entirety, my comments are in parentheses and italics, it'll probably piss off a few people

---

I don't know what guy wrote this, but he's a genius.
This was written by a guy who has had years of experience. and he's pretty damn good. with girls..
((so how is he with GUYS?))

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house [without notice]...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
((i've never had a problem with boyfriends showing up without notice i guess, it's more a 'i don't like to be woken up or bothered at work,' but i guess i've also been living communally so long that i don't bother to run around in my underwear))

2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud. If you do cheat on them do not ever tlak to the girl or see the girl you cheated on them with. They will be hurt , no matter what they say.
((um i don't think it matters what kind of combination of gender a relationship is, cheating is a pretty big fucking no-no no matter what))

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the hat.
((MALE relative and GUY friends??? because apparently a woman's FEMALE relatives don't give a shit what happens to her, eh??))

4. NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
((I guess some folks appreciate it))

5. DON'T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
((what))

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
((oh of course, the bitch is always right. no matter what. even if she slaps her man because she caught him jerking it to a Hustler or something. what the hell.))

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
((sorry i think there's a time and place, i mean, maybe she DOESN'T want to hang off her boyfriend 24/7. there's a few ladies like that out there, believe it or not))

8. If you don't sleep with them, DO NOT tell your friends that you did.
((this is kind of a duh, i guess. does this really happen that often?))

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
((what, you mean, express in interest in sex? or you know, actually be perverted?))

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
((lol fat chicks))

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy..
((but isn't it fair for them to pay for half, at least now and again? is there something i'm just not grasping here??))

11. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
((EXCUSE ME. 'do you honestly need all your money that much'... does SHE honestly need her money all that much to NEVER pay? good god.))

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, ONE OF HIS SWEATSHIRTS, and a really PRETTY RING (plastic ones from machines count). Even if it's not a serious relationship.
((just ... lol. LOL i say.))

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
((fair enough, though to be fair i think calling her could be annoying, how 'bout "call ME when you get home." i don't know if walking her to the door is necessary either. to be fair i appreciate it when folks that drop me off hang around long enough to make sure i get inside, but that's only cuz i have a tendency to be locked out now and again, haha))

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
((holy fuck, wow. what. even if he's bothering her legitimately? or just mildly irritating? that suddenly gives one the right to beat the shit out of him? how about just a "piss off, bud?"))

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, PULL YOUR GIRLFRIEND CLOSER.
((because everything with a vagina is clearly a threat to her. CLEARLY))

16. NEVER, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
((what if she likes it? or deserves it? ok, so she can slap you as hard as she wants- and you will always deserve it - but she will never deserve to be struck? what if SHE cheats?))

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
((okay, so - if you are obligated to go to something you probably don't like, just for the sake of going, and she doesn't give a shit if you enjoy your time or not ... doesn't that obligate her to go see movies YOU like now and again, and you don't have to give a shit if she enjoys her time? but i'm sure THAT'S being selfish, right))

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
((well it's sort of a given that it makes life easier when you get along with a significant other's family and friends. but fuck, don't be super fakey nice to them, just be polite. sometimes personalities just clash, oh fucking well))

19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
((lol, my mom flirts with my good-looking male friends, what then))

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.
((well PMS isn't gross, no, it's friggin PREmenstrual, though 'freaked out' by insane mood swings? i can understand that. and i'm sorry, but yes, yes menstruation is gross; sorry to the neohippies that embrace it as some magical beautiful act of womanhood.))

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
((as far as i've observed, they generally DO))

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
((well... yyyyeahhh....... ))

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
((are you sure? because these are some pretty fucking superficial bitches so far! i think only the finest steaks and lobster will do! we're talking Red Lobster means fast food, here...))

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them WITHOUT being asked.
((lol yeah so rub their uterus that time of the month. ok look my rib hurts right now and i will stab anyone that touches it))

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
((all women are delicate, beautiful flowers that will wither and crumble if you don't lavish them with attention, adoration, chocolate and diamonds rite??))

**********26. Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.************
((maybe i'm just the oddball on this one but shit, i forget my own fucking birthday.))

27. Don't marinade in the cologne, but smell good.
((um, duh. maybe i'm also really fucking weird for not minding how most folks with good hygeine smell (or don't) without cologne, but yeah generally i think just NOT having rank B.O. is aight.))

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.
((uhhh what? define stupid, or meaningful? i mean a pair of birth-stone earrings for a woman that never wears jewelry could be a thoughtful, but ultimately stupid gift. how about just 'make sure it's something she likes?' these days, gift certificates make fantastic gifts when you're not sure what she'd like!))

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
((my god. why trust anyone when it that trust can be lost in a careless nanosecond? WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER DATE KNOWING THIS?!))

31. NEVER, and i mean NEVER make her do anything she doesn't wanna do. Because if you do she'll think that you're only after one thing. (and i think you all know what that is)-sex.
((um well, dur, no one likes to do things they don't want to do. why does this necessarily have to be sexual? i have a feeling this is a 'don't ask her for a blowjob if she has a headache' sort of thing...))

(If you have read this and you are a girl, then some of these things are actually really true...am I right?! And if you read this and you are a guy, then these are like the best tips you could ever get!)

Re-post so EVERY GUY will know how to treat a lady
repost this as.."I don't know what guy wrote this, but he's a genius."
((this was totally written by some Entitlement Bitch, wasn't it? i refuse to believe any man with half a testicle left in him wrote this shit. all this does is further the stereotype of women being insane, fickle, gossiping, moody bitches and...
oh, wait
... right.))